The Moment You Change
We all have it, and some of us have it multiple times in our lives. That moment when we say that we've had enough. Enough of living the way we are and wearing our current mask. That moment when you're tired and beaten down and just can't stand the person you've become. I'm there now. I can't handle this person who is in my head right now. The need to "do" and "make something of myself". The person who is constantly hurting, but there's no specific reason for the pain. The person who is stuck and afraid to reinvent and move on. I can't handle it anymore and I have to live and make the change.
I am not aligned. I am so out of balance it's dizzying to me - both emotionally and physically. My physical body is breaking down and my mental stability isn't far behind. Life is too hard and I'd rather sit in and wallow than do anything about it. It's not healthy. If I was my own client I'd be pretty concerned. I go through the motions for the sake of my family, but otherwise, I simply want to stay home and cower. Waiting for some miracle to come and change me, but that's not going to happen. The miracle is me. I have to initiate the change and start moving again. Take a good look at what I want, what's currently working and what's not. Shed the layers and slowly remove the mask.
What do I want
- I want to have the freedom to live life organically as I see fit. Sure, there will be meetings, practices, and appointments that I need to work around, but I'm sick of being tied to feeling that I need to get something done. I've been creating and building for years with nothing to show for it but an extra 20 pounds. I can't do it anymore. I think the stress of trying to be something big to someone is what's causing the expression of a lot of my pain. My body, my stomach, my emotional despair. I can't anymore.
- I want to be that stay at home mom who sends her kids off to school and gets started on her day. Living her life in a way that brings joy.
- I want to be in the mountains connecting with nature instead of looking out and wishing I was there. I want to be moving my body through life exploring and connecting.
- I want to connect with my family again. My unhappiness has caused me to withdraw and I see the hurt in my kids' and husband's face because of it. I want to be able to say "Let's Do It" instead of "We can't because of mommy's…"
- I want to feel a true passion for something that lasts, and not a fleeting obsession.
- I've made life too complicated and am living out of balance of my core values - Joy/Play, Simple, Family. I need to get back there. With each decision I make, I have to ask if it aligns with those core values, if not then I pass.
That last one is where I start. I just realized it.
I choose my adventure by asking if the options align with these. It's my roadmap. I have to stop taking the novelty exits and just stay on course.
Decision one just made:
I've been a part of a book club for about a year and only have attended one club get together. I love the women and the books, but can't seem to get to a meetup. I've bowed out for now. That stress of thinking I was letting people down is too much. Now it's off the table. And that feels good. What's next?